A purge...
Sometimes, you just have to purge. You just have to open yourself up and let it all out. Today is one of those days.
When I met you, I was so young and naive. We honestly were too young to get married, and we really didn't know each other well enough. But we were so in love, and thought that was enough. But it wasn't. The first few years we were together was like an unending honeymoon. I spent a lot of time by myself, and I grew up faster than I ever thought I could. We tried for a baby and it didn't happen, so we stopped trying and it did. When I found out I was pregnant with our little girl, you cried. You were so overprotective. I wasn't even allowed to drive to work because you were afraid that I would get into an accident and she would be hurt. When she was born, you said it was the happiest day of your life. When she was two weeks old, you had to go away. But it wasn't for very long. When we finally became a little family of three, things changed. You were no longer the center of the universe. You no longer came first. When my breasts cracked and bled from breastfeeding and I cried and I wanted to give up, you were the one that said don't. That it was best for our little girl. But then you came to resent it. You resented that she wanted me more than you. And you decided to find somebody that would make you the center of your universe. We tried to work through it, and I found out we were going to have a little boy. Your first words to me were, "do you expect me to be happy about that"? I didn't care. Because I wanted him just as much as I wanted her. Then we moved, and I was still naive enough to think that maybe we could have a fresh start. For a little while, things were wonderful. But then they started to break down, and became irreparable. You were gone so much that the children didn't even know you anymore. They didn't want you because they didn't know you. And then you found somebody that wanted you in a way that I didn't or couldn't anymore. And so you left us. And it was devastating. And the three of us became a triangle. Never ending and Unbreakable. Every time they left to spend time with you, a little piece of my soul went away. But I knew that it was the right thing to do. Because you were their father. And I never wanted to stand in the way of their relationship with you. And then one day our little girl came to me with the most devastating news I've ever experienced. We called you and you cried with us. And you looked her in the face and you told her that you would always have her back. And we were foolish enough to believe you. But that didn't happen either. You turned your back on her. Her innocence was taken away from her by force, but you made the choice to destroy her. And now things will never be the same. You didn't have to wake up next to her listening to her sob in the middle of the night. You didn't have to sleep with her for six months because she was too terrified to sleep by herself. You didn't have to go to the high school and meet with counselors and teachers letting them know how fragile she was yet how strong. You didn't have to stand by and listen to her describe in detail the horrible things that happened. You didn't have to hear your son tell you that he was sad because he wasn't big enough to stop things. And our triangle became stronger. And now I realize that I was given a gift. Because my children are mine and mine alone. Nobody else's. They are not ours, they are mine. I look at my amazing daughter. And realize how smart and how Fierce and how accomplished she is. I realize how she could have let what happened to her dictate her entire life, but she didn't. She is my Survivor. She is my Phoenix. And she is going to change the world. And I look at my son. I look at how Goofy and irreverent he is. And I look at how absolutely brilliant he has become. And I am so proud when I get up at 5 in the morning on my days off to drive 2 hours to spend all day sitting on hard bleachers cheering him on. When I put in extra hours every week making sure he gets to work and gets to practice and gets to experience some of the most amazing people on the planet. When I look at my son and realize that this is his senior year of high school and that I haven't missed hardly anything. I didn't miss my daughter's Honor Society induction. I didn't miss her High School graduation. I didn't miss taking her off to college. I didn't miss her probate into her sorority. I didn't miss my son's competitions. I didn't miss taking him shopping for his first work uniform. I didn't miss buying him his first razor. I am grateful that I got to experience all of those things and I will get to experience so many more. Because my children are incredible. And they have an entire village of people that feel the same way about them. And our triangle will never be broken. And my children are going to do incredible things, and I could not be any prouder that they are mine.
When I met you, I was so young and naive. We honestly were too young to get married, and we really didn't know each other well enough. But we were so in love, and thought that was enough. But it wasn't. The first few years we were together was like an unending honeymoon. I spent a lot of time by myself, and I grew up faster than I ever thought I could. We tried for a baby and it didn't happen, so we stopped trying and it did. When I found out I was pregnant with our little girl, you cried. You were so overprotective. I wasn't even allowed to drive to work because you were afraid that I would get into an accident and she would be hurt. When she was born, you said it was the happiest day of your life. When she was two weeks old, you had to go away. But it wasn't for very long. When we finally became a little family of three, things changed. You were no longer the center of the universe. You no longer came first. When my breasts cracked and bled from breastfeeding and I cried and I wanted to give up, you were the one that said don't. That it was best for our little girl. But then you came to resent it. You resented that she wanted me more than you. And you decided to find somebody that would make you the center of your universe. We tried to work through it, and I found out we were going to have a little boy. Your first words to me were, "do you expect me to be happy about that"? I didn't care. Because I wanted him just as much as I wanted her. Then we moved, and I was still naive enough to think that maybe we could have a fresh start. For a little while, things were wonderful. But then they started to break down, and became irreparable. You were gone so much that the children didn't even know you anymore. They didn't want you because they didn't know you. And then you found somebody that wanted you in a way that I didn't or couldn't anymore. And so you left us. And it was devastating. And the three of us became a triangle. Never ending and Unbreakable. Every time they left to spend time with you, a little piece of my soul went away. But I knew that it was the right thing to do. Because you were their father. And I never wanted to stand in the way of their relationship with you. And then one day our little girl came to me with the most devastating news I've ever experienced. We called you and you cried with us. And you looked her in the face and you told her that you would always have her back. And we were foolish enough to believe you. But that didn't happen either. You turned your back on her. Her innocence was taken away from her by force, but you made the choice to destroy her. And now things will never be the same. You didn't have to wake up next to her listening to her sob in the middle of the night. You didn't have to sleep with her for six months because she was too terrified to sleep by herself. You didn't have to go to the high school and meet with counselors and teachers letting them know how fragile she was yet how strong. You didn't have to stand by and listen to her describe in detail the horrible things that happened. You didn't have to hear your son tell you that he was sad because he wasn't big enough to stop things. And our triangle became stronger. And now I realize that I was given a gift. Because my children are mine and mine alone. Nobody else's. They are not ours, they are mine. I look at my amazing daughter. And realize how smart and how Fierce and how accomplished she is. I realize how she could have let what happened to her dictate her entire life, but she didn't. She is my Survivor. She is my Phoenix. And she is going to change the world. And I look at my son. I look at how Goofy and irreverent he is. And I look at how absolutely brilliant he has become. And I am so proud when I get up at 5 in the morning on my days off to drive 2 hours to spend all day sitting on hard bleachers cheering him on. When I put in extra hours every week making sure he gets to work and gets to practice and gets to experience some of the most amazing people on the planet. When I look at my son and realize that this is his senior year of high school and that I haven't missed hardly anything. I didn't miss my daughter's Honor Society induction. I didn't miss her High School graduation. I didn't miss taking her off to college. I didn't miss her probate into her sorority. I didn't miss my son's competitions. I didn't miss taking him shopping for his first work uniform. I didn't miss buying him his first razor. I am grateful that I got to experience all of those things and I will get to experience so many more. Because my children are incredible. And they have an entire village of people that feel the same way about them. And our triangle will never be broken. And my children are going to do incredible things, and I could not be any prouder that they are mine.
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