Emerging from the cocoon, become your own butterfly...
For those who know me, I have been very open about my weight loss journey. It wasn't something that started overnight, it took a long time to get to the point that I am at. I was never a "small" child, just average. When I hit puberty I started to gain weight but it didn't keep me from doing anything that I wanted to do. I still played sports, hung out with friends, had a job at the mall...my weight didn't "define" me as a person.
I went off to college for a while and my weight went up as most college girls' does, but not incredibly. What I hadn't noticed was the small increments that my weight had been rising steadily over time and affecting my health in ways I never could imagine. I was eventually diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnea and my metabolism was almost non existent. I was carrying almost 300 pounds on a 5"1 body and I was dying.
I made the medical decision to get weight loss surgery in 2007 and I don't regret one single thing. I would do it over again in a heartbeat. It's what comes AFTER the weight loss surgery that people don't talk about. For the first few months I had to just get used to eating a new way. To living a new way. As the weight slowly fell off I felt better and better, but looking in the mirror I didn't seem to "look" any different. People told me they could tell, but I couldn't tell. I was still that 300 pound woman in my head. A few years went by and I was able to reconcile my new body in my head and realize that I was different, but it was still hard. I was able to buy clothes in a regular store but would stand an look at myself in the mirror and cry.
Insurance will cover the weight loss surgery, but oftentimes it doesn't cover the finishing touches. The skin on your stomach that hangs all the way past your pelvic bone. The "bat wings" on your arms that keep you from wearing sleeveless shirts. The "elephant skin" on your thighs that ensures that you never wear shorts in public because you're too ashamed of what you look like. The loss of shape in your breasts and you feel like a deflated balloon.
So many people think that plastic surgery is all about being superficial and vain. It's not. A good plastic surgeon can literally change people's lives. About 5 years after my weight loss surgery and having had a very stable weight the entire time, I started to research getting the excess skin removed. I had no idea how expensive it was and that most insurance didn't pay for it. People kept telling me to look into donating the skin to a burn unit; but live donors from skin aren't cost effective. It's a lot cheaper to use cadaver skin because you don't have to do all of the work to remove the skin from a living person. I went to consult after consult, telling myself "one day". People told me things like "you look fine!" "you can hardly even notice!". The problem was, I noticed. I noticed every time I took my clothes off. I noticed because I couldn't wear scrub tops because my arms were too big. I noticed because I had to go up 2 sizes in pants and wear a belt cinched in because that was the only way my belly would fit. It psychologically damages you to feel that you have done everything the right way, and you still don't feel okay.
I am the first of the girls my father got to walk down the aisle. I found my dream wedding dress for my wedding 3 years ago and stood and cried at the thought of having my arms in this gorgeous gown out for everyone to see. I cried thinking of looking back at my wedding photos and going over every single flaw I found. But I knew that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't push past that and get the princess dress of my dreams. But every minute I was in that dress, I worried about how I looked and if people were talking about me.
Through the grace of God and an amazing surgeon, Dr. Joseph Hunstad at Hunstad/Kortesis/Bharti www.hkcenters.com, I had an abdominoplasty with abdominal repair and a brachioplasty in September of 2016. He removed over 20 pounds of excess skin off my abdomen, and close to 3 pounds off of each arm. I'm not going to lie, the surgery was painful. It hurt like hell. But I would do it again in a heartbeat. When I walked into his office, the twinkle in his eye when he lifted up the skin on my arms and said "Oh, I can do this. I'm actually excited to do this. You deserve this."... it made me tear up. I cried the whole way home. I couldn't believe that my outside would finally match my inside. He worked a miracle. He didn't just fix my outside, he helped to fix my soul. Plastic surgery has gotten a bad rap in the media because of so many botched surgeries and people willing to go to extremes. People wanting a Kim Kardashian butt and getting illegal substances injected. People going to other countries and literally coming back deformed, and sometimes even dying. But a good board certified plastic surgeon is not only highly trained in the operating room, he or she is trained to look at the whole person. They are not going to give you implants the size of basketballs just because you want them. They take their time and make sure that they are going to make you the best you that you can be and not sacrifice their values and medical judgment. Plastic surgery is more than breast implants and tummy tucks and butt lifts. It's scar revision. It's reconstructive surgery for women who have lost their breasts due to cancer. It's fixing genetic disorders. It's help for amputees. It's help for burn victims. It's help for people who can't breathe due to nasal problems. And it's help for people like me, who just want to feel like a whole person again.
Now, 2 years later, I still struggle with body image. I think I always will. I look at my thighs and think they could be so much smaller. I still pick my flaws out in the mirror before I look at my strengths. But I'm getting better. I saw a therapist that helped me with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I share my story gladly. If you are considering plastic surgery, make sure to do your research. Don't pick the cheapest just because you think that's all you can afford. Interview different surgeons. Be realistic about your expectations. And be the butterfly that you have always wanted to be.
I went off to college for a while and my weight went up as most college girls' does, but not incredibly. What I hadn't noticed was the small increments that my weight had been rising steadily over time and affecting my health in ways I never could imagine. I was eventually diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnea and my metabolism was almost non existent. I was carrying almost 300 pounds on a 5"1 body and I was dying.
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| Wow. TBT. |
I made the medical decision to get weight loss surgery in 2007 and I don't regret one single thing. I would do it over again in a heartbeat. It's what comes AFTER the weight loss surgery that people don't talk about. For the first few months I had to just get used to eating a new way. To living a new way. As the weight slowly fell off I felt better and better, but looking in the mirror I didn't seem to "look" any different. People told me they could tell, but I couldn't tell. I was still that 300 pound woman in my head. A few years went by and I was able to reconcile my new body in my head and realize that I was different, but it was still hard. I was able to buy clothes in a regular store but would stand an look at myself in the mirror and cry.
Insurance will cover the weight loss surgery, but oftentimes it doesn't cover the finishing touches. The skin on your stomach that hangs all the way past your pelvic bone. The "bat wings" on your arms that keep you from wearing sleeveless shirts. The "elephant skin" on your thighs that ensures that you never wear shorts in public because you're too ashamed of what you look like. The loss of shape in your breasts and you feel like a deflated balloon.
So many people think that plastic surgery is all about being superficial and vain. It's not. A good plastic surgeon can literally change people's lives. About 5 years after my weight loss surgery and having had a very stable weight the entire time, I started to research getting the excess skin removed. I had no idea how expensive it was and that most insurance didn't pay for it. People kept telling me to look into donating the skin to a burn unit; but live donors from skin aren't cost effective. It's a lot cheaper to use cadaver skin because you don't have to do all of the work to remove the skin from a living person. I went to consult after consult, telling myself "one day". People told me things like "you look fine!" "you can hardly even notice!". The problem was, I noticed. I noticed every time I took my clothes off. I noticed because I couldn't wear scrub tops because my arms were too big. I noticed because I had to go up 2 sizes in pants and wear a belt cinched in because that was the only way my belly would fit. It psychologically damages you to feel that you have done everything the right way, and you still don't feel okay.
I am the first of the girls my father got to walk down the aisle. I found my dream wedding dress for my wedding 3 years ago and stood and cried at the thought of having my arms in this gorgeous gown out for everyone to see. I cried thinking of looking back at my wedding photos and going over every single flaw I found. But I knew that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't push past that and get the princess dress of my dreams. But every minute I was in that dress, I worried about how I looked and if people were talking about me.
 |
| Wedding Day 2015 |
Through the grace of God and an amazing surgeon, Dr. Joseph Hunstad at Hunstad/Kortesis/Bharti www.hkcenters.com, I had an abdominoplasty with abdominal repair and a brachioplasty in September of 2016. He removed over 20 pounds of excess skin off my abdomen, and close to 3 pounds off of each arm. I'm not going to lie, the surgery was painful. It hurt like hell. But I would do it again in a heartbeat. When I walked into his office, the twinkle in his eye when he lifted up the skin on my arms and said "Oh, I can do this. I'm actually excited to do this. You deserve this."... it made me tear up. I cried the whole way home. I couldn't believe that my outside would finally match my inside. He worked a miracle. He didn't just fix my outside, he helped to fix my soul. Plastic surgery has gotten a bad rap in the media because of so many botched surgeries and people willing to go to extremes. People wanting a Kim Kardashian butt and getting illegal substances injected. People going to other countries and literally coming back deformed, and sometimes even dying. But a good board certified plastic surgeon is not only highly trained in the operating room, he or she is trained to look at the whole person. They are not going to give you implants the size of basketballs just because you want them. They take their time and make sure that they are going to make you the best you that you can be and not sacrifice their values and medical judgment. Plastic surgery is more than breast implants and tummy tucks and butt lifts. It's scar revision. It's reconstructive surgery for women who have lost their breasts due to cancer. It's fixing genetic disorders. It's help for amputees. It's help for burn victims. It's help for people who can't breathe due to nasal problems. And it's help for people like me, who just want to feel like a whole person again.
 |
| Before and After |
Now, 2 years later, I still struggle with body image. I think I always will. I look at my thighs and think they could be so much smaller. I still pick my flaws out in the mirror before I look at my strengths. But I'm getting better. I saw a therapist that helped me with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I share my story gladly. If you are considering plastic surgery, make sure to do your research. Don't pick the cheapest just because you think that's all you can afford. Interview different surgeons. Be realistic about your expectations. And be the butterfly that you have always wanted to be.
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