How do you know when you're done?

When I was 17, I told my mom that I was NEVER having kids.  There was no way in heck that I was going to saddle myself with those little buggers.  I had plans, you see.  I was going to be a Marine Biologist and go train killer whales at Sea World.  Well, you see how THAT worked out for me.  When my former husband and I decided to start a family, it took us a year to conceive for the first time.  Before then, I'd never even considered the possibility that I might not be able to have children.  Every month that went by and it didn't happen, I got a little more disappointed.  When I found out I was pregnant, it was the most amazing day of my life.  A sense of joyous wonder infused every part of me, and at that moment, I knew my life would never be the same. 

I got pregnant fairly quickly with my second child, and even though my marriage was ripe with strife and infidelity, I wanted that baby more than I could ever imagine.  When my marriage ended, I was so thankful to have my two children, and I honestly gave a secret sigh of relief that I didn't have more.  I had always wanted either two or four children, because I didn't want anyone to be left out when we went on roller coasters :-). 

After another failed relationship, meeting someone new that I care for very deeply, and turning 40 last year, I'm warring with the decision to make not having any more children permanent.  The man I was in my last relationship with after my marriage didn't have any children, and he made it clear that he would welcome the chance to be a father.  However, I am eternally grateful that I didn't make that choice. Once you have a child with someone, you're tied to them forever.  Even if they aren't involved in the day to day workings of the child's life, they're still a part of them. 

The man who has my heart now has children of his own, failed relationships and drama behind him as well, and the thought of a baby at this stage in his life fills him with a sense of abject terror.  I can't say that I don't feel the same way! 

So, how do you know when you're done?  I know, that I'm done, but do I know?  Do I want to take the irreversible step in ensuring that I can't have any more children?  Do I want to let nature take it's course and keep doing what I'm doing otherwise?  It's really boggling my mind that I'm struggling with this decision at all.  A baby would completely smash my emotional well being, my finances, my family, among other things.  I cannot even imagine having another child now that I have one getting ready to drive and the other in middle school.  I look at all of my friends that have infants; and although I love children dearly; I cannot imagine nursing again...sleepless nights...teething...bottles...diapers...strollers...leaving the house with a diaper bag the size of a suitcase...potty training...feeding....daycare....child proofing.....  Holy smokes it gives me anxiety just thinking about it! 

So now that I know that I'm done; what the heck am I going to do about it....

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