40 is the new 30......
Friday was my 40th birthday. I remember, when I was younger, thinking that 40 was so...old. 40 meant your life was half over...it was all downhill from there. Then, my mother had a baby at 40. I had to reassess how "old" 40 was. I'll never forget the day she told me she was having another baby...I'd just graduated from high school...and I thought...HOLY CRAP...(first the fact that my parents still made biscuits..and secondly the fact that I thought there was no way in hell that they should be making me another sibling...)...but then this amazing person came along and I can't imagine my life without her...
So 40 changed..into something not so old...but still not young....I hit 30 soon after having my second child...and then the slide towards 40 began. My 30's were filled with the most emotional periods of my life. The discovery that my marriage was ending...no matter what I tried to do, I couldn't save it. Moving to a new city...having my sister relocate with me. Finding a new best friend. Losing a friend that I thought was a forever one; but she couldn't grow with me. Going back to work after a 5 year hiatus, not knowing how I would do it as a single mom. Massive amounts of betrayal, finding out things about people that you thought you knew...and yet you find out that you know nothing. The loss of some amazing people in my life. My grandmother, Geraldyne Anthony. My friend, Cindy Furr, and her daughter Mackie. Finding my niche in caring for children. Learning so much and growing. Deciding to take my health in hand and having the surgery that I believe honestly saved my life. Losing 115 lbs and feeling better than I have in my 20 years. Starting a new relationship, realizing it was doomed from the start, and feeling too guilty to end it..until one day you just wake up and realize that all it was doing was sucking the life out of you, and those around you. Forging bonds stronger than anything in the world with my children, and watching them grow into amazing people. Getting my first tattoo, something that wasn't "allowed" by the previous men in my life.
Now that I'm 40, I feel like the best years of my life aren't behind me; they're in front of me. I've got so many opportunities ahead for learning, for growth, for love. I've got the sense of independence that I thought that I'd lost, thinking it was smashed under the feet of controlling people. I'm older, and wiser, yet still willing to take chances. I look in the mirror and instead of seeing my flaws, I am starting to see my strengths. Knowing that I'm a resource for people to talk to, and someone that they can count on. Knowing that my children are strong enough, capable enough, and smart enough to do things on their own without me. Feeling the freedom to do what I want to because I can, and knowing that there isn't anyone to tell me no. Freeing myself of the martyrdom of motherhood we sometimes fall into, and knowing it's ok to be selfish once in a while. Seeing my parents for the human beings they are, and knowing that they love me and they did an amazing job with their children. Knowing that I'll still make mistakes, but that I still have time to learn from them.
Now, ask me if I still feel this indulgent when I'm 50.........
So 40 changed..into something not so old...but still not young....I hit 30 soon after having my second child...and then the slide towards 40 began. My 30's were filled with the most emotional periods of my life. The discovery that my marriage was ending...no matter what I tried to do, I couldn't save it. Moving to a new city...having my sister relocate with me. Finding a new best friend. Losing a friend that I thought was a forever one; but she couldn't grow with me. Going back to work after a 5 year hiatus, not knowing how I would do it as a single mom. Massive amounts of betrayal, finding out things about people that you thought you knew...and yet you find out that you know nothing. The loss of some amazing people in my life. My grandmother, Geraldyne Anthony. My friend, Cindy Furr, and her daughter Mackie. Finding my niche in caring for children. Learning so much and growing. Deciding to take my health in hand and having the surgery that I believe honestly saved my life. Losing 115 lbs and feeling better than I have in my 20 years. Starting a new relationship, realizing it was doomed from the start, and feeling too guilty to end it..until one day you just wake up and realize that all it was doing was sucking the life out of you, and those around you. Forging bonds stronger than anything in the world with my children, and watching them grow into amazing people. Getting my first tattoo, something that wasn't "allowed" by the previous men in my life.
Now that I'm 40, I feel like the best years of my life aren't behind me; they're in front of me. I've got so many opportunities ahead for learning, for growth, for love. I've got the sense of independence that I thought that I'd lost, thinking it was smashed under the feet of controlling people. I'm older, and wiser, yet still willing to take chances. I look in the mirror and instead of seeing my flaws, I am starting to see my strengths. Knowing that I'm a resource for people to talk to, and someone that they can count on. Knowing that my children are strong enough, capable enough, and smart enough to do things on their own without me. Feeling the freedom to do what I want to because I can, and knowing that there isn't anyone to tell me no. Freeing myself of the martyrdom of motherhood we sometimes fall into, and knowing it's ok to be selfish once in a while. Seeing my parents for the human beings they are, and knowing that they love me and they did an amazing job with their children. Knowing that I'll still make mistakes, but that I still have time to learn from them.
Now, ask me if I still feel this indulgent when I'm 50.........
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